It has been a few HOT minutes since I’ve been present in Blogger’s Paradise due to a lot of life happening lately. Excuses, excuses…. I know… (I may choose to write about some of those more serious matters at a latter time.) When “LIFE” stuff hasn’t been happening, a mad case of sheer laziness has kicked in and glued me to my couch for several Netflix and “actual” CHILL moments with my precious Pit-bull Penny Lou, snuggled up in 25 blankets with the fan turned on high. There’s just something so gratifying about being all cozied up with a tangible fear that frostbite could set in should my little toe set foot outside the blanket into my Antarctic living room. Sheer freaking bliss. Ahhhhhh.
Adulting is hard as frickle frack, but figuring out what NOT to put in kid’s treat bags this Halloween should not be one of your more challenging moments. This list has been brought to you by crazy news headlines and a few personal experiences in no particular order:
- Nasty Candy – Perusing the Halloween candy aisle at your local grocer you stumble upon what you find is reminiscent of your childhood or happens to be a great bargain. Don’t, just don’t. The 4 out of 10 hipster children that come a knocking will still be rare that truly appreciate your butterscotch fantasies, horehound nastiness, fake wrapped strawberries with artificial #5, or bits o’ honey AKA “let’s head to the dentist to replace those missing fillings.” Stop while your ahead.
- Expired Coupons for Free Ice-cream – I was actually debating last year when I ran out of candy if sticking my expired Wendy’s coupons for mini Frosty’s was the worst idea ever. Don’t, just don’t. There will be a screaming kid somewhere demanding ice cream giving his mother backseat minivan blood-curdling hell, I assure you.
- Toothbrushes or other oral hygiene items – I want to like this one I really do, especially with all the sugary death we are loading these little (and quite often far too BIG kids) down with on this Diabetes inducing holiday. The truth of the matter is, YOU will be “that guy” in the brick house with the yellow door who hands out tooth brushes. You’re totally getting wet toilet paper hanging from the oak tree in your front yard. Don’t be that guy unless of course you enjoy picking wet TP out of trees.
- Mini Bibles or religious pamphlets – I love my God and I love me some JESUS, but this is NOT the time or the hour. Unless your strapping a full sized Snickers to the front cover, you’re efforts would be much more appreciated any other day. Not to mention that delivery is key. Put it in the goodie bag, and your just increasing your number on the douchiness scale.
- Cheapo Wax Crayons – Spare me the frustration of trying to complete the unicorn color by number in my coloring book, and splurge on a box of damn Crayola if you’re choosing to be a total tool this year.
- Dried Fruit – I won’t berate you for sticking an apple or orange in a child’s sack especially with the whole obesity epidemic and the fact that some kids today look at fruit like they have no clue what a pear is. However, if you muddle up whatever stupidity it must take to put prunes, raisins, or dried apricots in a “treat” bag for a child, I simply have no words for you. They aren’t trying to rampage the neighborhood with dreams of going #2 this hallowed eve.
- Hand Sanitizer – I actually think this would be kinda smart if it were tied to the treat bag, and the little grubs remembered to use it before they tear into all their goodies (after being parent checked of course), but the truth of the matter is that there is some little Einstein out there who is gonna probably try and drink it. Not to mention even on sale at Bath & Body Works the cute ones are 5 for $6 and that ish’ adds up quickkkk. I don’t know about you folks, but I is balling on a budget this year.
- Oatmeal Packets – Go ahead and turn your porch light off now. Remove yourself from your pantry and sit back down to watch your Wheel of Fortune. If you couldn’t make a candy run this year, just turn off all the lights and pretend you ain’t home. Eat your oatmeal and hush it.
- Plastic Toys – Even though all those years of digging in the treasure chest after dinner at The AQ Chicken House, and finding the ever coveted Chinese finger trap fill me with joy & elation, I will never forget the year I worked at the Ear, Nose, and Throat Clinic and we pulled a plastic firetruck out of little Billy’s nasal cavity. I mean, he really REALLY got it wedged up there! His parents were on the not so happy end of things with an after hours medical bill and a kid with a newly discovered hidey hole.
- Razor blades – It is not hard at all for the police to track down which house the razor blades came from using a little deductive reasoning and neighborhood questioning. (Not to mention your existing potential rap sheet.) If you just can’t contain your love of harming children, go ahead and cut your own throat with a rusted hacksaw. I’ll be sure to not send flowers. Hell hath no fury more than it does for thee that harms a child.
Happy Halloween, Witches!